March 16th, 2002

drawing

How am I?

Somebody else asked how people were doing and I never know really if they want a long drawn out repsonse or not. I've been planning on making a journal entry on the subjectanyway, so here it is. This is my bitching session so I don't have to actuyally discuse it in person everytime somebody asks me "How are you doing?"

First off, I can't bitch too much, mostly out of fear that life will hand me something to really bitch about. I've got decent health, and I get along with my roommate, good freinds and nothing really bad is going on right now. For that matter, many people would consider my "problems" to be blessings. I understand this, but it doesn't really help that much.

To make a short list of everything that matters: I'm single and unemployed. Have been for months with no prospects for either situation changing. The single thing is pretty straight forward, as much as I want to talk about it on an open forum. Seems like everybody else `who is not blissfully in a relationship is also mournfully single. The unemployment thing is a little more complex. Got laid off, on unemployment, applying for lots of jobs, not even getting interviews. I'm on unemployment and pulling in decent money. Enough for me to still think aobut going to Germany for Wave-Gotik-Treffen. My savings are also doing better than any other time in my life. Enough for me to buy a truck and work on fixing it up. By all rights I should be on a seven month long vacation and enjoying it. However, I'm the person that dislikes uncertainty. The fact that I can't make concrete plans, or at least feel sure in those plans really bugs me. Mostly dealing with the vacations to Germany and Burningman. I'm currently spending thousands of dollars on both of them. What happens if I do get a job offer and I can't get the time off? Take the job and dump my plans and investment? Screw the job in hopes of finding another later since I have enough money to take me past both events? A mute point since I havn't even gotten a call for an interview yet, but that is the nagging little demon in the back of my head that is keeping me stressed out.

All in all, I must admit that I don't have anythign to bitch about, so I won't anymore. However, knowledge of that doesn't make me feel any bettter. Just frustration really in my boring and static life, yet afraid of developing an interesting life (as the Chinese would say).
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